How to undo bad habits?

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APR	05	FRI 金	🌘︎

How to undo bad habits?

That was a rhetoric question btw lol Today I feel like talking about being perceived here. I know myself well–too well actually, and I learned that too much self-awareness is a double-edged sword– and I know I am a chronic people-pleaser. I tried to be nonchalant, to enter the idgaf war (didn't get in) and everything else just to stop myself from always putting others before me (my fiance has pointed this out several times, thank u..) but in the end I accepted like 'welp I guess that's just who I am'.

When I made this site, I was actually trying to get away not only from twitter but also from the online persona I've established so long ago. I took a new alias and set up my tent somewhere literally no one from my small circle of friends from twitter would find. It was nice being in my own silly little space, not worrying about being perceived by someone I know and worrying if I'm acting the way it would please them. I mean this is still a public website so anyone can view it, but I guess I really don't mind being seen by strangers. I could really care less about what an outsider would think of me but when it comes to friends (both irl and online), I always feel the need to shape myself into what I think they would like and benefit from. I used to be the same around my fiance but I think he figured the loophole to this by telling me constantly and explicitly (very important to me tbh, I have a hard time understanding social cues) that he loves me for being me and not solely on what I can do for him, so I get to be myself around him, with flaws and all.

Back to the topic, I hope I don't accidentally slip up about this site/blog to anyone because if I have any inkling of knowledge that someone I personally know is aware that this space exist, I might just lose some sense of freedom into what I put here because of the dread like what if they won't like this yadda yadda. I actually told my mom about it but just in passing like 'oh I made a website and that's what I've been working on these past few days' no url dropping or anything thank god and she was like 'that's good, i've always known you liked coding'. I also told my fiance about it with the whole url but he's the only exception; I really have nothing to hide from him, he knows me from my lowest of lows to my highest of highs and like we've been in a relationship for seven years now, he's unlocked my cringe lore.

You might be screaming to your screen like "If you want your chances to be perceived by your friends to be zero then why put it in a public website!!! Are you stupid!!" why yes I am stupid. And stubborn.

When I backread this entry maybe months later or even just weeks, I'll definitely think I was just overcooking things in my mind LOLLL I only have one life and while the world is already crumbling I might as well spend my time here above ground doing what I want

- niki

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