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Me and my executive dysfunction
Hi everyone, I hope you're all doing okay. January was such a surreal month for me. Both in a good and bad way. Either way I survived through all those days I felt so mentally and socially drained. Lately I've been watching vlogs of people recording the mundane moments of their life and every time I think, "Man I want that for myself too..." But alas, I've never been good with a phone. I'm more like, savoring the moment itself? I really can't remember to pull out my phone to record it or something. And what's ironic is: despite being present in the moment, my memory issues contradict myself and I barely remember shit. Hah! Oh well...
Anyway, I'm writing here just to ramble about my 'little corner of the internet'. Can you believe this website is almost a year old? Its birthday is March 30! I'm really, truly happy with this space that I can call mine. As much as I want to dote on it and feel melancholic of time passing by, I'll save that for the anniversary post. For now I just want to put to words what I've been feeling about it recently.
I wouldn't exactly point it where and what, but over the past few months, I've made websites besides this because I'm procrastinating on updating here. The last time I've done an overhaul was when I converted the whole thing to 11ty, and even then I find myself dissastified with how... overwhelming sifting through folders and folders of files. Which is funny because! It's literally just clicking on folders! But still, my brain somehow refuses to cooperate. I'm like "It's finally the weekend! Surely I'll get around to updating my site!" and my brain flat out says no then orders me to spend the whole day making a different website. It's always easy—and much more gratifying—to make a website from scratch. Looking at the finished product makes me feel good... for 10 minutes tops. Then I immediately get bored of it and come back here. But my brain still says nope and I close off the tab.
I think the fact that there are pages that I made with the intention of updating them regularly makes me procrastinate in pulling up the file and make changes. As I type that sentence I realize how ridiculous that sounds. Maybe this whole post sounds ridiculous. Anyway!
Just this afternoon, as I was spending time with my notebooks I had an epiphany: what if I mix my analog (journal entries, commonplace) notes with digital (personal website, garden)?!
Rocket science, I know.
Jotting down everything that comes into mind is much, much easier in my notebooks and whenever I get that spurt of productivity that possesses me about three times a month, I can simply transcribe them and update my website. Maybe this process will allow me to do things at my own pace, and not be pressured to a set schedule (scheduled tasks scare me) (I rarely follow through my self-imposed schedule) (it makes me feel horrible when I miss one day). At least with this system I can still keep a consistent record of my day-to-day through my notebooks and also give me space and leeway to put it in my personal website without feeling bad that I'm not updating as frequent as I wanted.
I don't know why it took me months to come to this conclusion! But it's here and I'd like to give it a try. I'll see how it goes in the coming weeks.
Before I end this entry... As I said, I've been watching too much 'january wrap-up' videos in Youtube that I want to write my own wrap-up as well. January was a doozy and I want to write about it as some sort of reflection/introspection/record. That'll be my next entry! Until then, see you~
~ niki